Talents

Two days ago I went for a jazz concert to the place that is for sure my favorite bar in Bucharest: Green Hours. A cozy and smoky place that is my escape from time to time. At the moment the music started I got instantly mute. There was one of the musicians that start introducing the band, a bit shy and nervous. But five seconds later all this shines vanished when he start touching the double bass. It was like the notes could touch your soul. So genuine that I could not react in any way.

I remembered that when they took their break, felt a mix of feelings like sadness, joy and even jealousy for only couple of seconds. And that's because he is successful on a topic that I failed until now. He found his unique way to express himself and I didn't. He was so absorbed by the momentum and his creation at that moment. I guess this is one of the reasons for which I'm always fascinated by artists of any kind. They look to have found the way to tackle one sense (sight, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling) and use all the others just to give even more strength in such harmonious way.

I tried some of their ways but I end up hating all the things: the songs that I sang, the paintings that I painted, the dances that I danced, the photos that I took. Somehow I still have the hope that through continuous exploration I will find my way.

So, meantime I'm enjoying the beauty created by others for searchers like me.

PS; you can see my favourite sketch

Rejuvenation through art

How to be still without being surrounded by stillness?

I found my answer while going to theatre. The place that is fascinating enough to stop me from thinking but still being lively. The play was following a simple plot, having as central characters a dysfunctional Jewish couple. It was a play about hopes, jealousy, love, addiction, assumptions and societal norms. I blend with the story and drama and end up highly fascinated. Maybe because of the actors or the fact that I was sitting on the stage or maybe because of the intimate atmosphere. But it’s irrelevant when I compare with what I felt then and now. It’s a great escape from the noise in my head!

And not the only one… as I found a second choice that has the same effect on me: a jazz concert. I got the chance to hear an amazing voice, Luiza Zan, in a live concert that inspired me. Her message was so simple and humble that took me by surprise. No stupid glamour, just talent!

It remind me of the lyrics from a song that is obsessing me: Music Matters (Faithless).

For all those who stood up and were counted

For all those for whom money was no motive

For all those for whom music was a message

I want to thank you

For making me

A little more sure

A little more wise

And courageous

You told me to look much further

You told me to walk much more

You told me that music matters

PS: Thank Mo for sharing with me these experiences!

Stability

There are more then 2 months since I returned home. At the moment I planned this period it looked to be so long. I was somehow wondering what I will do and how I will fill- in the time.

Meantime, I fixed my heath issues, went for the best holidays that I could hope for to Turkey, and then Belgium and Hungary, spend amazing time with my family and friends, went for a wedding and many other things. I remember when I was in the office thinking how my work is the only thing that deserves my attention. And whenever someone will recommend a bit of break, I would always find the pathetic reply of: I don't have time. It was like a disease that you don't have cure for. But, the cure was found and I can be grateful for having the privilege of taking the last two months off.

Since then I have asked myself questions that I could not face them until now. I found some answers to some old points and even more questions that will take longer time to solve. But I don't want so many answers now. They are putting too many boxes and are limiting too much my own existence.

Before I left to Belgium I had the opinion that there is nothing stable in my life and that was a problem. Now, I'm trying to see if I made the mistake to see stability too limited. I looked at jobs, relationships, family, friendships, house, money. There were all the things that Romanian society said they matter in life. And by owning them you reach happiness. They were my "external pressure".

When I was in Budapest it hit me that maybe things are not meant to be stable for me. Dictionary describes Stability as continuance without change; permanence and I never wanted such things. I guess that I always knew that all the aspects of my life are meant to be dynamic. And although it can be comfortable to live the typical "happiness" I will try to find my own definition for it. It has to be much simpler then this.

Meantime I will make a conscious effort of not taking things for granted like family, friends, experiences. This way they will be part of my present more then my past.